Janus

I tried to explain to someone once about how occasionally I feel as if I am both an "Elly" and an "Eleanor" (I was once an "Ellie" too, but I grew out of her).

Now, Elly is who I'd like to be. Elly is fun, with a dry and witty sense of humour. She is well educated, but humble, and well informed about the world and how it works. Elly is tall (can't escape that, whoever I am) but elegant and interesting-looking. She has some beautiful features and a unique but stylish sense of dress. She is sociable, kind and perceptive.

Eleanor, on the other hand, is clumsy and awkward. She is rude and aggressive and occasionally cutting. She makes derisive remarks, and shows few signs of love. She is tall and ugly, with a big nose, piggy eyes and a wobbly belly. Eleanor struggles in most social situations, as she has no positive social skills and is generally selfish, awkward and pessimistic.

Today, I was primarily Eleanor. Rude, ugly, aggressive, joyless.



And after having read only this morning that love in action looks like joy in hope, patience in affliction, hospitality and humility, Eleanor is not very loving.


My generous, humble, joyful new housemate bore the brunt of it, and she absolutely deserved none of it.



Sorry, housie.



Tomorrow is a new day. New day, (re)new(ed) heart, new start.



Yes, please.

Feeling Good

I love school concerts. Well, the good ones, that is. And tonight was one of those.

Seriously, so many talented students. And a few not-too-bad staff members too.

In general, much fun was had, many songs were sung, and now we have no extra-curricular til September.

That means fewer music-making-student opportunities (boo) but more lunch breaks (yeahh!)

Right now, however, I am going to sleep (hurrah!!).


That is all.

nice.

"...a weak-willed 'people pleaser' whose settled for a job as a teacher"

Fear

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."

- Jim Morrison

Things I have recently (re)discovered

1. Driving in the dark, in the warm air, with the windows down and music loud.
2. Orchestras (specifically playing in them)
3. Massages - love 'em!
4. Housemates - as above
5. Mediterranean bread, with herbs (generic) and sun dried tomatoes (delicious)
6. Threadless.com
7. Bailey's
8. www.ltscotland.org.uk/learnlisteningonline
9. Red nail varnish
10. "Sleep as an Droid" (yes, the incorrect grammatical 'pun' irritates me too...)

TICK Tick tick tick...

"Bellina, dear, can you hear them tick away?
They're turning into minutes, just like hours turn into days..."
- Pete Roe

"He'll tick tick tick tick tick tick tick away..."
- Laura Marling



How is it I let days just disappear?


I mean, I surely know how many hours a day contains. I also know approximately how long it takes to complete most of the activities I set for myself.

Especially the every day ones.

Like waking up. And getting dressed.

I have woken up every single day of my life, and got dressed for most of them. You'd think I'd know exactly how many minutes that takes, and plan my morning accordingly.


Broken down into its composite activites, my morning tends to resemble the following sequence of events:

1. Alarm going off.
2. Snooze button pressed.
3. Light napping until alarm re-sounds.
4. (repeating steps 1-3 for a non-specified length of time)
5. Throwing off covers and leaping enthusiastically out of bed
6. (either staring dismally into the mirror for a bleary few seconds, or frantically rushing about, depending on how many repetitions took place at step 4.)
7. (either showering luxuriously, scantily or not at all, also depending on the above)
8. (occasionally (/frequently) dry shampooing, if the above repetitions carry too far into the wrong side of breakfast o'clock)
9. Drying hair, putting on face, clothes and deodorant (not necessarily in that order)
10. Eating breakfast, cleaning teeth, leaving house.


That's roughly my 10-step guide to getting up in the morning.

And yet, somehow, I'm always late for everything.



And then work. I had an entire afternoon to plan 3 hours of lessons, one of which is going to be a practis/ce (I have never known when to use which practic/se) listening exam, requiring no actual planning on my part whatsoever.

SO HOW AM I STILL PLANNING?!



Well, technically I'm typing on here... and technically I didn't spend all afternoon working. Unless you count hoovering my entire house, alphabetising my CD collection (I have approximately 170 CDs, by the way. Oh, I'm so stuck in the 20th century...) and watching Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow on iPlayer as work.


Hm.


I should probably do some actual work now.



Yeah.



(I'm totally going to use my free p.2 to finish the planning I haven't done. I love PPA time)


Au revoir!

Mt. Desolation

"Maybe I'm a slave to a hopeless dream,
But I'm the kind of slave who doesn't want to be free"

- Tim Rice-Oxley